It’s unhealthy how much I care for people, really.
I’ve been told that the reason I don’t allow myself to love someone is out if fear… Perhaps there is some truth to that but they say you should learn from other’s mistakes, right? I am constantly reminded why devoting yourself to one person just isn’t worth it.
Why do that when you could use that capacity to love on a select few people that mean the most to you?
This way, you aren’t placing it all in the hands of one, and if a loss should occur, it’s less pain to bear.
And then there are nights like these where I realize that being this way has caused me to care too much about people… When many of them probably wouldn’t go to the lengths for me that I would for them. In a way it’s almost as bad as an unbalanced relationship because it has caused me to get taken advantage of.
On a better note, tonight also reminds me that I don’t mind being able to love like this in my own way, and even if I get taken advantage of, people like wallflower-in-season deserve it.
I’ve been awake contemplating all the ways I could help him be happier, then subsequently shooting them down as lame or ineffective… Back and forth and over and over for over an hour now. Just seeing someone I care about having to struggle this much ignites these feelings in me that I know are my own version of love- one that I’ve created as a self defense mechanism for myself and as a way to do everything I can for those that matter to me.
I apologize for the essay… But to conclude with a Papa Roach reference… Perhaps “my weakness is that I care too much”. All I know is that I want to be the best person/friend that I can be and if that’s wrong or foolish, so be it. This is who I am.